JUSTICE DEPT. FILES CHARGES: Body Found On Clinton Property Will Get Justice

An inside source revealed to LLOD reporter Skip Tetheluda that the US Justice Department is satisfied that they have enough evidence to make an arrest in the case of the skeletal remains found in a shallow grave on the Clinton property. The source told Skip:

We knew all along who she was and what he’d done to her. This came as an inside tip that turned into a federal investigation the second the girl’s disappearance had relevance across state lines. Miriam Loomis was held against her will, beaten, raped and tortured for more than 15 years. She was also impregnated and forced to have several abortions. We went to the Chappaqua property for a reason after the tip panned out.

The tip he’s talking about came in the form of a diary kept by Loomis that documented the first eight years of her captivity. Loomis had apparently hidden it well but it came to light when the new owners of the house she was originally in did some remodeling and found it hidden behind a crude drywall patch. That diary tells a frightening story, our source said:

He did unbelievable things to her. Things you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. She never knew his real identity but she was always told to call him Willie.

Willie St. Cyr owned the house at 426 Chappaqua St., Chappaqua until the Clintons purchased it to add to their compound since their home, which is at 109 Westchester but in a strange zone that doesn’t officially belong to any town, is right next door. St. Cyr is currently in custody and fully aware of the charges against him. Under federal law, he will face the death penalty.

When asked what connection the Clintons had to the case, our source told Skip:

The Clintons? Oh. You must follow Facebook politics. No, the ‘raid’ was an investigation that the Clintons were completely aware of and cooperated with fully. We picked President Clinton up this morning at LaGuardia to brief him. This whole thing happened when some meatball got ahold of a piece of information and spread it like wildfire through the halls of stupid that are conservative politics. They used a picture of the Kennedy Compound for Christ Sake.

It seems that what happened is a bunch of ill-informed people on the internet love to read about things that don’t actually exist. The troll group X-940 has taken credit for purchasing the entire story from Busta Troll, the poor man’s Borowitz.

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That about wraps it up. Thanks for stopping by and having your cholesterol lowered and ham sandwiches are always best at high noon.

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