Sources Say Man Killed In Detroit Hit And Run Was Beloved TV Star Tim Allen

Sources in the Clark County morgue are confirming that a man, run down by a presumed drunk driver, has been identified as “Home Improvement” star and champion of conservative causes, Tim Allen. The coroner is waiting on Allen’s family to identify him before releasing the news to the mainstream media.

Correspondent in the field Art Trubolls caught up with a morgue assistant who agreed to go on the record on condition of anonymity:

“It’s definitely Tim Allen. He has the “Home Imoprovement” logo tatooed on his left shoulerblade. His face is unmistakeable, even in its current, mangled condition.”

The assistant went on to describe that Allen wasn’t just run down, he was brutally attacked and run over twice by what bystanders called a “madman.” The story was in the news Wednesday night but with the man being unidentified, it just blended in with all of the news about random automobile violence.

There’s no word on why Allen would have been in such a shady neighborhood in Detroit. Allen does have a criminal background, and his latest TV project tanked while liberals pointed at him, laughed and called him names like “stupid” and “asshole.”

I wonder how they all feel now that the man — a legend — has now passed away under horrifying circumstances. We’ll update this developing story as soon as the mainstream news picks it up.